“Top 10 One-Liners Of Jerry Seinfeld” – Thursday’s Top Ten List

Created by Matthew J. Goldberg, tipofthegoldberg.com

Many of you are probably well aware of the life, career and key bits of today’s featured comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. So, you think we should be impressed that you know practically everything about a comedian whose wildly successful comedy, Seinfeld (1990–1998), was about, well, nothing? I am.

Jerome Allen Seinfeld was born on April 29, 1954 in Brooklyn, New York to two Jewish parents, Kalman, of Hungarian descent and Betty, whose family immigrated to this country from Turkey when she was two. The family moved to Long Island and Jerry graduated from Massapequa High School.

After leaving Queens College with a degree in communications and theatre, Seinfeld—who cited the comedy duo of Abbott and Costello as well as radio icon Jean Shepherd as major influences—tried his hand at stand up in 1976. Within five years, he had a coveted slot on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

And, yada, yada, yada…nine years later, the show Seinfeld took America by storm for nine mostly terrific, avant-garde seasons. For all of the show’s success and all of Jerry’s honors as a co-creator (with Larry David) and co-writer, Jerry never won an Emmy Award as Outstanding Lead Actor. He was nominated four times. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine Benes) was nominated seven times, with one win; Jason Alexander (George Costanza) had seven nominations without a win; Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer) took home three Emmy Awards out of five nods.

Before revealing my top 10 lines, bits and quips attributed to Jerry Seinfeld, please enjoy this clip—the closing scene from the especially hilarious Marine Biologist episode.


10. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.


10. (tie, to sneak in one more): There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.


9.  I am so busy doing nothing…that the idea of doing anything—which as you know, always leads to something—cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.


8.  It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.


7.  A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

6.  My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.


5. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures. Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel’.


4.  There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”


3.  Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.


2. I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your clothes. I say, if you have blood stains on your clothes you should be thinking about something other than laundry.


1. I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.


Okay…just one more. Here is Jerry’s unique take on the ever-popular Swiss Army knife. “The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’”

Well, as it’s time to cut my fingernails, that concludes my list of the Top 10 one-liners delivered by the observationally witty Jerry Seinfeld. Agree? Disagree? Have others to add? Please comment below. If you have any suggestions for this column or future lists, please also comment below or send me an email.


Matthew J. (call him Matt) Goldberg will be presenting a Jewish-style Top Ten list every Thursday on this site. For information about Matt’s books, sports columns, speaking events and requests for appearances and custom writing, please visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com, or contact him via email. His new Facebook Fan Page (“to like, to like, l’chayim”) can be found here.

Filed Under: HumorTop Ten Lists


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Matthew J. Goldberg About the Author: An author, speaker and custom writer from Cherry Hill, NJ, Matt loves to entertain people through his writing and public speaking. Laughs, Smiles and just enough Wisdom reach his audience through the magic of his written and spoken words. More about Matthew

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  1. Mary Novaria says:

    Oh, these made me laugh. Jerry=genius. Last night we saw the “I can’t spare a square” episode. Too funny. Thanks for sharing these this morning…

  2. Hi Mary,

    Thanks for the read/comment. I hope you’ll return for a new Top 10 every Thursday and the various blogs (mine run Monday and Wednesday here as well).

    It was hard just finding 10 or 11 or 12 lines, and picking a Top 10 of their episodes would really pose dilemmas. The one you mentioned was funny…the same one with the Pez dispenser, right?


  3. Ken says:

    Matt came accross your website looking for Rodney Dangerfield’s one liners. Enjoyed the Seinfeld one liners as well. You should use some of his newer material from his current show that’s on the road. Saw him recently. Very funny stuff.

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