Top 10 One-Liners Of Groucho Marx – Thursday’s Top Ten List

Created by Matthew J. Goldberg, tipofthegoldberg.com

Today’s Top 10 list features the Top 10 one-liners of the great Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (1890-1977) who was known for his rapier-like wit, slapstick comedy and mastery of the language and word play—among other things. Visually, Groucho was also known for his stooped walk, grease-painted mustache and eyebrows and glasses—all props utilized to enhance his shtik.

Julius Henry Marx was born on the Upper East Side of Manhattan in an area known as Carnegie Hill. One of Marx’s maternal uncles (Al Shean) was part of a successful vaudeville act. Groucho’s mother, Millie, influenced by her borther’s fame and the family’s poverty, strongly encouraged Julius (who wanted to be a doctor) and his brothers to star on stage,

The Marx Brothers started as a singing group, featuring Groucho (who was very gifted vocally), and his two older brothers—Leonard (Chico), a terrific piano player and Arthur (Harpo), who would become quite famous for his harp playing. His younger brother, Milton (Gummo), also became part of the act.

Eventually, their comedy skits became much more popular then their music; the Marx Brothers—mostly Groucho, Chico and Harpo—became the biggest stars of the Palace Theatre, and vaudeville, in general.

To cut a very interesting story way short, the Marx Brothers would make 13 movies together, including Monkey Business, Duck Soup, A Night at the Opera and Horse Feathers. Groucho was also featured in several movies without his almost equally famous brothers. The youngest brother, Herbert (Zeppo) also appeared in five movies with his zany siblings; he usually played the straight man.

Groucho’s post-cinema career included a very successful run (1950-1961) as the chatty, wise-cracking host of the television game show, You Bet Your Life.”

Julius Henry Groucho Marx never had the opportunity to receive much of a formal education, but he was exceptionally well-read and penned several popular books. His distinctive brand of comedy has influenced a diverse group of famous comedians and entertainers.

It is almost impossible to limit this list of one-liners to just ten, but I think that all of the following are worthy of today’s Top 10 list. Enjoy!

10.  Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

9.  The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

8.  Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

7.  My mother loved children. She would’ve given anything if I had been one.

6.  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

5.  I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening…but this wasn’t it.

4.  Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

3.  One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

2.  She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

1.  I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

This concludes my list of the Top 10 one-liners delivered by the wonderful Groucho Marx. If you have any observations or suggestions for this column or future lists, please comment below or send me an email.

Matthew J. (call him Matt) Goldberg will be presenting a Jewish-style Top Ten list every Thursday on this site.

For information about Matt’s books, sports columns, speaking events and requests for appearances and custom writing, please visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com, or contact him via email. His new Facebook Fan Page (“to like, to like, l’chayim”) can be found here.